The Cairn

When Do I Get My Shoelaces Back? Reviews

Poignant and brutally honest story telling. Her day-to-day account of HER OWN reality is told in a voice that is sincere, naked and true. Going through my own battle with bipolar disease, it is refreshing, educational and highly inspirational to read someone who can put in words such raw emotions, and with such amazing intelligence. Even though this book is about an incredibly difficult battle - hope, happiness, and humor transpires throughout the pages. Thank you Suzy.
Isabelle G. Driscoll, Quebec.

Metapsychology

Review - When Do I Get My Shoelaces Back?.....
a diary of a psychotic breakdown
by Suzy Johnston
The Cairn, 2010
Review by Tony O'Brien
May 18th 2010 (Volume 14, Issue 20)
While she was in hospital with an episode of viral hepatitis, Suzy Johnston, who has a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, experienced an acute psychotic episode which saw her hospitalized for over six months. That's a long time in any western mental health system, where the emphasis is on community care and short hospital stays. When do I get my Shoelaces Back? is an unburnished first person account that takes the reader so close to the experience of madness that it feels almost voyeuristic to continue reading. The book takes the form of a diary of Johnston's day to day life on Christie Ward, in the poetically named Vale of Leven Hospital. Some days have several entries, some days none. Reading through Shoelaces the reader the reader gets to hang out for the relief of prn medication (tranquilizers dispensed at the nurses' discretion), cringe at the intrusive thoughts plaguing Johnston, worry about whether suicide is a good idea, and peer suspiciously at the staff who might have malevolent intent, or who just might be talking about what they did on the weekend. In the world of psychosis, nothing can be taken for granted.

Suzy Johnston described her experience of mental illness and mental health care in previous autobiographical accounts (The Naked Bird Watcher and The Snow Globe Journals). In addition, Johnston's mother Jean recounted her experience of the multiple roles of mother, caregiver and advocate in To Walk on Eggshells. Suzy Johnston was thirty five during her time in hospital last year. Compared to The Naked Bird Watcher her illness appears moderated by maturity although the six months described in this book was still a turbulent and tumultuous time. There's a relentlessness to the day by day detailing of paranoia, anxiety, social phobia and wildly labile mood.

Everything's FINE so why do I have a horrible feeling in my stomach that something BAD is about to happen?. I feel sick and nervous but most of all I seem to have lost that feeling of SELF that I had back this morning for a while.
On occasion Johnston's inner turmoil is relieved by walks to the village of Luss, or 'passes' – authorized leave taken from the ward to visit home. But leave is frequently cut short, and outside Christie Ward Johnston is compulsively driven to thoughts of suicide, even while arguing with herself that this is not what she wants. As Shoelaces progresses the intensity of paranoia and suicidal thoughts lessens as Johnston slowly regains her sense of self.

How do you get through something like that? You TRY REALLY HARD NOT TO QUIT but when you DO quit (and you do) you turn to those around you and place everything about yourself in their hands. You have to or it's game over.
At the end of the book Johnston recounts her marriage to Michel, one of her mainstays of her life. You hope for her that marriage offers a sanctuary from the voices that terrorized her during her time in hospital. You feel a vicarious relief from the constant destructive impulses that threatened to overwhelm her. And you feel admiration that Suzy and Jean Johnston can pick themselves up and offer educational and support services to others experiencing mental illness (See http://www.thecairn.com/). Recovery has been a long journey for Suzy Johnston, and while there is no guarantee that it is now at an end, she and her family have built a considerable reserve of experiences that will stand them in good stead in any future crisis. Shoelaces is another illuminating contribution to the literature on madness.

© 2010 Tony O'Brien

Tony O'Brien RN, MPhil, Senior Lecturer, Mental Health Nursing, University of Auckland, New Zealand

 


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‘When Do I Get My Shoelaces Back?’ ISBN 9780954809225 is available from book shops, internet book sites or from The Cairn www.thecairn.com price £12 (includes packaging and postage)